


$4.20/lb

by cutthroatpixie



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 17:32:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1109619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutthroatpixie/pseuds/cutthroatpixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the eggplant in town has chosen a life of crime and the citizens of Night Vale have to deal with the consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	$4.20/lb

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jitterbugfever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jitterbugfever/gifts).



_Listeners: This just in. Do not purchase the eggplant from the produce section at the Ralphs. Do not order eggplant on your pizza at Big Rico’s, no matter how absolutely delicious that sounds right now. Do not eat any eggplant. Do not look at the eggplant. Do not touch the eggplant. Reports have been coming in from all over town of an intense hunger following the consumption of anything with eggplant in it: a hunger so strong no food or drink or human contact can ever hope to quench it, so all-consuming even that fudge in the back of your fridge that’s been there for weeks, that you have no recollection of receiving, is starting to look good._

_Intern Tulsee, who was sent to investigate these strange reports earlier, says that, “The sky is so awesome. Have you ever seen the sky, Cecil? You should really look at the sky. It doesn’t look back. But that’s just… fine. It doesn’t have to. It does what it wants and that is beautiful. Have you tried those cookies in the breakroom? They are just. Wow… wow.”_

_She also shoved a crumpled piece of paper at me and it says that the Sheriff’s Secret Police have taken all the remaining eggplant into custody. They have informed it that what it is doing is not only highly illegal, but is also really putting a damper into their dinner plans for this evening. As of right now, the eggplant does not seem to be taking in anything they are saying to it._

Carlos and his team of scientists had immediately ceased eating the pizza they had ordered for lunch. Cheese, peppers, and fried eggplant had been what they were in the mood for that afternoon, unfortunately, and a panic had set in as soon as Cecil started with his report.

Upon hearing the rest of the report, however, an odd calm took over them.

“It just sounds like people are getting— “ Research Assistant Cambria (as Cecil, and therefore Carlos, had taken to addressing her as) was cut off by a loud giggle from the hastily discarded pizza box.

“It does,” Carlos replies. “We should probably pack up for the day. Go home. Just in case.” A chorus of muffled agreement filled the room and they all set about quickly putting their equipment away, unsure of how long it would take for the symptoms to set in.

\---

_Night Vale, normally under circumstances like this I would urge you to remain calm, but it appears you are all already far more calm than a situation like this calls for. A small amount of panic would be normal, expected even, but no such emotion has been reported as of yet. That being said, we are afraid we failed to report this eggplant disaster until it was too late. So many of you have already been affected. We know there is nothing we can do for you now but hope this passes soon, and also that our hollow apologies are as pleasing to your ears as “that rad stuff” we reported in the traffic update earlier._

_Additionally, you should all know that we here at Night Vale Community Radio always appreciate calls from our listeners. It is so rewarding to receive comments and reasonable amounts of praise. However, we do only have the one phone here at the station, and since Intern Tulsee has just been watching it ring and muttering, “This is so cool. Too cool,” under her breath, you may want to try calling back later. We already know you really liked the traffic today, in any case._

Calling sounded like a great idea. Carlos’ phone calling another phone, a phone that was definitely at work and probably too busy to let him speak with its owner, that was a great idea. He had a lot of great ideas, Carlos did. It was all part of being a scientist. Scientists just had a lot of great ideas, all the time. Ideas. Great ones.

He was going to call Cecil.

The phone rang. And rang. At some point he thought maybe it wasn’t the phone ringing, but himself. His ears, or his soul, or some previously undiscovered organ whose singular purpose was to ring and ring and ring endlessly inside the body. He thought that would be very poetic, if he were ringing, because he was the one calling Cecil, not the phone. He was the one that wanted to speak with him.

\---

 _We have just heard that the lab across the street from Big Rico’s is surprisingly empty, considering the hour. As you can probably guess, this is very worrying. If anyone has seen any of the scientists, or if any of you are hearing this, please give us a_ — _oh. Well, Carlos must be listening, as he is currently calling me. While I take this and hope he has nothing but good news, I leave all to… The Weather._

The voice on the radio was replaced with the opening notes of something bass heavy and the ringing in Carlos’ ear (maybe) was replaced with Cecil.

“Carlos? Are you okay? Where are you?”

“Mm.”

“Are you there? Carlos? Is anything wrong?”

“No,” Carlos finally responded. His lips were not very cooperative suddenly. Almost like they were gone. “I’m fine. You’re fine. It’s all fine. Have you ever looked at your hands?”

“Oh I’m so glad to hear that, I was worried something might ha—my hands?” Cecil groaned suddenly and that was not what Carlos had called to hear, that was definitely not it. “Did you not listen to my show earlier?”

“I always listen to your show. Even when it’s not on.”

“That’s… sweet. But are you sure you listened earlier? Have you eaten any eggplant?”

“Pizza.” Carlos hoped that response worked. It said things, maybe things that would  tell Cecil what he needed to know. Scientists weren’t always as great at the responses as they were the ideas.

“I see. How do you feel?”

“I feel like. I’m looking at my hands, and they are just hands. But they’re not just hands.”

Cecil’s voice sounded alarmed when he cut Carlos off and that was also not what Carlos wanted. “They aren’t hands? Is this some new side effect?”

“No, they’re hands. But so much more than that.” He turned his hands over in front of him, barely remembering to shove the cell phone against his shoulder as he did so. “Not as much as yours, thought. I like your hands better.”

“My hands are no more or less than yours are, my dear Carlos.” Cecil finally sounded like he was smiling. If Carlos focused enough, he could almost feel it. “Though I am also quite fond of yours.”

“There’s too much to look at,” Carlos whispered into the phone. “But I don’t want to stop.”

“Do you want me to come over later?”

“I want you to come over an hour ago.”

“Shhh, don’t say such things. You know very well that time travel is still illegal! I’m sure the Sheriff’s Secret Police will let it slide this time, all things considered, but you should still be careful.”

“They are outside right now. Petting the tree in my yard. It looked fun, but lying on the floor is so. You know?”

Cecil laughed. “You should at least lay on the couch or something.”

“Too… sinky. It was trying to eat me, I think.”

“That is a concern. Are you going to be alright until I can make it over there?”

“My hands are still here. You’re still there, I’ll be able to hear you.”

“I’m going to take that as a yes. I’ll have my phone on the desk so you can text me if you need to.”

“Don’t let it run away this time.”

“I’ll try not to.”

Cecil hung up and, thankfully, there was little delay between when his voice stopped being in Carlos’ phone and when it started being on the radio once more.

\---

_Well everyone, it appears most of you are returning to your normal selves. Soon enough, you will all be back to panicking as you should and looking at the sky will once more be considered extremely rude. The villainous eggplant has renounces its life of crime and should be safe to consume after some rehabilitation._

_For those of you still feeling the effects of today, I want you to look at your hands. They are not just hands, as Carlos told me earlier, but they are so much more. They do so many things. They help slice into a finger to offer up a blood sacrifice, just as they help to slice and dice while preparing a meal. They can curl into a fist or they can easily slide between the fingers of a loved one. They are your hands and they will aid you in doing so much, if only you ask them to._

_Stay tuned for next for the sounds of iced tea being stirred. Over and over. Will they ever drink it? Do they really need to stir for that long? We just don’t know._

_Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight._

Carlos must have fallen asleep to the rhythmic clinking and clanking made by a spoon continuously running into the side of a class, because the next thing he knew, he was being lifted up from the floor.

“Are you feeling better?” Cecil asked. “We should probably get you to bed.”

“I wasn’t really feeling poorly before, but I won’t say no to heading to bed.”

Cecil dusted off Carlos’ shirt (rice cracker crumbs) and held out his hand. Carlos laced their fingers together and even though he’d come down from the high he’d been on earlier, that feeling of Cecil’s hand in his own was still one of the most fascinating things he’d ever had the good fortune to experience. 


End file.
